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Other than a family member or close friend, I have never told a man that I love him. This world tries to tell us that if you can’t tell your boyfriend that you love him, then you have a fear of commitment. This may or may not be accurate (I don’t think it is), but I definitely know that for me, that is not the case. I believe that love is more powerful than a feeling of attraction or an act of physical intimacy. Love can be expressed as an emotion, but in itself it is not one.
Many sources say that there are 3 types of love in the New Testament. Since I’m not an expert (actually, I don’t know a single thing) about Greek, I’ll take these sources at their word. The 3 types are eros, philia, and agape.
Eros is what often comes to mind when one hears the word “love”. Eros is the emotional kind of love. The butterflies in the stomach. The urge to want a guy to hold you in his arms. The starry-eyed, gazing at a gorgeous guy who sits several seats from you in class. Eros is about the attraction, the romance, the Nicholas Sparks novels. Yes, I enjoy eros; I’m human. But if eros does not have the other types of love to back it up, it’s one of the worst things in the world. It’s like putting new carpet over a floor that is full of holes. Eros can never suffice on its own.
Philia is having the love of a brother (or sister, as the case may be). When it comes to people, especially guys, philia love comes naturally to me. I automatically treat guys my age and younger like they are my brothers. Without thinking about it, I try my best to take care of these guys. I can’t help it—acts of service is my love language! I don’t act like a mother hen because I think the guys are inadequate at taking care of themselves, I’m just trying to show that I care for them (in the philia kind of way). When guys get upset at me for trying to “mother them”, I do my best to back off. But it’s hard. I like to love on others and by inhibiting my love language, it takes away my ability to show my philia for them. When a guy asks me to stop trying to take care of him, he is basically asking me to stop loving him (again, I am only talking about the philia type) and it hurts me.
Agape is the type of love that is so deep that you would die for that person. Agape is 1 Corinthians 13. Agape is patient, agape is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Agape does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Agape never fails. Although philia and eros are pretty much pre-programmed into me, I struggle with agape. How do I have a love that runs so deep that I would keep on loving, even if that person just throws it back into my face? How do I have the kind of love that compels me to love someone, even when it hurts??
I recently read the book Thorn in My Heart by Liz Curtis Higgs. The first half of the book was full of eros love. It reads like a clean romance novel, and it was making me sick. I do not want to hear about the adorable little couple’s first kiss or about the feelings that course through the girl’s mind when she’s in her brawny man’s arms. I don’t have what she has and it just makes that fact so much more acute. I was actually getting angry at the author for writing about this stuff because it was making me desire what I could/should not have. I was ready to quit that book full of its selfish, shallow love, but I decided to give it another 50 pages. And I’m so glad that I did! Higgs used the eros love at the beginning so she could contrast agape love to it. At the end, the eros-driven characters learn how to love like the agape-driven character does. No, I take that back. They learn how to love as God loves the church. The ending of the book was amazing to me, and it showed how important it is to have agape love for a person before you get into a serious relationship with them.
I have been a Christian for over 10 years, but I still feel like I do not have a good grasp on agape love. I clearly see that God has that kind of love for me, and I try my best to love Him back. But as far as having agape love for other people, I feel utterly lost. What does agape love look like in real life? Buying a cup of coffee for a friend is easy for me, but that’s philia. Writing on someone’s Facebook wall just to say hi is a loving gesture, but that’s also philia. WHAT IS AGAPE?? Honestly, I have absolutely no clue.
I could say "I love you" to someone who makes my stomach flip when he smiles at me. Yes, in an ergos kind of way, that would be totally truthful. But love is so much more. True love is agape. And until I grasp that concept and am able to demonstrate in on a daily basis, I refuse to tell a man that I love him. It all boils down to this: how can I tell someone that I love them when I don’t even know what love is? I don’t know if my opinion is Biblical or if it even makes sense, but as of right now, that is my opinion on love.
I will continue to practice philia love and hope that agape love will develop along the way. But I know that there is only one person who is a perfect example of agape love and I will continue to seek Him to understand this whole confusing love concept. Ahh, life can be so complicated…
Today was a rough day for about 500 different reasons, but my heart can't help but sing to the one who makes my joy complete. Here's one of the songs that is resonating in my head right now: Your Love Never Fails Enjoy!
How can I be so unsure
When you and I define perfection?
Why am I looking for an ending
When the "we" is just beginning?
I feel like I'm falling
But is it love or the ground
That is rushing up to meet me?
You feel like the home
That I'm tired of missing.
I feel so safe when you're near,
But turmoil rules my heart
When I think of forever.
You're not the one for the aisle,
But baby will you please
Just be mine,
Just hold me for awhile?
Yes, I'm aware that I've already posted today, but no worries, this isn't supposed to be a post that involves active reading. This will be a picture & caption post of things I would buy if I actually had money. Don't expect this post to be non-shallow, because it is completely and truly shallow, but hey, girls like shoes and jewelry and I'm no exception.
Did you know that the Converse website let's you design your own shoe? I didn't know until this morning, but as soon as I found out, of course I designed my own! Unfortunately, it won't let me post a picture of it, so I'll try my best to describe them. They're low-rise Chucks. The body is maroon and the tongue is the paisley heart pattern (sounds gross but I like it). The stiching is "flame" orange and where you can get your name written on them, I put "mine". Yeah, so they're kinda crazy but most of my shoes are boring, so I want some crazy ones!
This is a ring from Fossil that I love! The antiqued pewter look is awesome, and it also has a little bedazzlement in the center of the flower on the right. You can wear all three together, or you can wear them separately. Here's the link. (I'm a size 8 *hint hint*)
These are the Haute Rocker II boots from Naughty Monkey. Not crazy about the toe, but overall, I love!
This is the Tiery-eyed dress from Shabby Apple. All of their dresses are really chic and sleek, but I think they would all look wayyy better on someone who's tall, rather than on me. So Shabby Apple, if you're reading this (doubtful), make some dresses with short girls in mind!
I pretty much adore ALL Fossil watches, but this one is my favorite at the moment. *sigh* I want it...
These Carhartt bibs are actually something I'm going to buy because I need them since it's soooo cold outside and farmwork is kinda miserable without them, but I thought I would put them on the list anyways. :)
So this SMI Super PoleCat snow maker is the most impractical thing on my list, but hey, a girl can dream right? It must be expensive, because they don't list the price...
These Oakley polarized Encounter sunglasses are, of course, high-quality and they're also the shape, size, and color I like.
This Yamaha grand piano is something that is impractical right now, but my future house has a room specificially built for a shiny ebony grand. Gorgeous, simply gorgeous.
Lastly, I want this Hurley Windchester peacoat. My thick black fleece coat has seemed to disappear, so that leaves me with my Carhartt and my bright aqua-blue snowboarding coat. Neither are exactly fashionable, hence, the need for a new coat.
Like my title says, this blog post is not about the dating/relationship topic. Actually, I want to write about WHY boys are no longer my constant worry.
The whole point of choosing to not date right now was to reduce the time and worry that I spent thinking about guys (you know what I'm talking about, the whole "does-he-like-me-and-if-so-how-much" thing). The few days after I made that decision were pretty tumultous because of thoughts like "wait how do I interact with guys now that dating is out of the picture?" and other insignificant, albeit important to me, worries.
But now, although I do still think about guys from time to time, I feel a real peace about my decision and how it will affect my life. "Why is that?" you might be wondering. The answer might sound rather cliche, but it is so true... My peace comes from thinking about how much God loves me instead of dwelling on if a boy loves me.
These past couple of years, I have gotten really bad about doing daily devotions and journaling, but one of my goals for 2010 is to get back into it. So, on January 8 (yeah I know I was a week past the beginning of the year) I broke out my Bible, my new journal, and my copy of Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest and spent a long time meditating on how incredible my Lord is. It was a hands down great time!
Anyways, by the time Saturday morning rolled around, I was bursting with stuff to talk about with my friend Lindsey, who I consider an older-sister figure in my life. After some yummy coffee cake, two mugs of coffee, and 3 1/2 hours of conversation, I left her house with a happy heart and a book to read--- The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. I began this fascinating book on Saturday evening and read steadily until I finished it at 3:00 on Sunday morning. Needless to say, as I sat in early service at church I was quite sleepy...
Basically, the point of this post is to show you that I have had a nice, peaceful couple of days and it is because I have gotten my attention re-focused on God, rather than on the guys in my life (or lack thereof). Tomorrow I'm moving back to Blacksburg for the beginning of another semester, so it will be a struggle to maintain my focus on Him during these upcoming crazy days, but I will (hopefully) succeed in this important endeavour!
Oy vey. I still have not gotten any better at knowing how to interact with guys so they don't get the wrong idea, but I'm learning! Sunday when I was at Barnes & Noble I did manage to find a book that I absolutely devoured--- For Young Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice. This book is written based on surveys and interviews with guys 15-20 years old.
Some of the stuff I knew, but a lot of it was stuff that I had never thought of before. Something that really stood out to me is that girls are based on wanting to be loved and will allow themselves to be disrespected as long they get love, whereas, boys want to be respected even if that means they'll be alone and unloved. In general, I agree with this premise, although I think I fall somewhere in the middle. Yes, I like to be loved. But if it comes down to making tough choices, I'll do the right thing, even if it means I'll be hated for it. God has wired me in such a way that I don't care that much what others think about me. Sometimes this can make me kind of callous, but I like to believe that I also manage to be sensitive to others' feelings, but maybe that's just wishful thinking...
Anyways, while I'm in this single stage of life, I want to get better at being a good friend, both to girls and guys. I have a good mix of guy friends and girl friends, which means I need to learn how to speak both "guy language" and "girl language". While I do have my fair share of problems with speaking girl language (remember, sometimes I can be callous and insensitive), right now, my main problem is this gosh-durn-guy language. There's a reason that most of my guy friends are in relationships. If a guy already has a girlfriend, then it makes being friends, and ONLY FRIENDS, much simpler. We can talk about sports, cars, or whatever and there is no emotional drama crap involved. But on the other hand, if a guy friend is single, at some point in our friendship I have to make my intentions clear--- ONLY FRIENDS.
Right now, I'm really working on how to understand how guys interpret the things I say or do, and it's really confusing!!! Like I mentioned before, guys speak the language of respect, and that's something I'm learning to understand. I'll write more about that some other day. Until I understand how this whole stupid guy-girl dynamics work, I'll try to keep my mouth shut so I stop putting my foot into it! TTFN as Tigger would say...
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