Other than a family member or close friend, I have never told a man that I love him. This world tries to tell us that if you can’t tell your boyfriend that you love him, then you have a fear of commitment. This may or may not be accurate (I don’t think it is), but I definitely know that for me, that is not the case. I believe that love is more powerful than a feeling of attraction or an act of physical intimacy. Love can be expressed as an emotion, but in itself it is not one.
Many sources say that there are 3 types of love in the New Testament. Since I’m not an expert (actually, I don’t know a single thing) about Greek, I’ll take these sources at their word. The 3 types are eros, philia, and agape.
Eros is what often comes to mind when one hears the word “love”. Eros is the emotional kind of love. The butterflies in the stomach. The urge to want a guy to hold you in his arms. The starry-eyed, gazing at a gorgeous guy who sits several seats from you in class. Eros is about the attraction, the romance, the Nicholas Sparks novels. Yes, I enjoy eros; I’m human. But if eros does not have the other types of love to back it up, it’s one of the worst things in the world. It’s like putting new carpet over a floor that is full of holes. Eros can never suffice on its own.
Philia is having the love of a brother (or sister, as the case may be). When it comes to people, especially guys, philia love comes naturally to me. I automatically treat guys my age and younger like they are my brothers. Without thinking about it, I try my best to take care of these guys. I can’t help it—acts of service is my love language! I don’t act like a mother hen because I think the guys are inadequate at taking care of themselves, I’m just trying to show that I care for them (in the philia kind of way). When guys get upset at me for trying to “mother them”, I do my best to back off. But it’s hard. I like to love on others and by inhibiting my love language, it takes away my ability to show my philia for them. When a guy asks me to stop trying to take care of him, he is basically asking me to stop loving him (again, I am only talking about the philia type) and it hurts me.
Agape is the type of love that is so deep that you would die for that person. Agape is 1 Corinthians 13. Agape is patient, agape is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Agape does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Agape never fails. Although philia and eros are pretty much pre-programmed into me, I struggle with agape. How do I have a love that runs so deep that I would keep on loving, even if that person just throws it back into my face? How do I have the kind of love that compels me to love someone, even when it hurts??
I recently read the book Thorn in My Heart by Liz Curtis Higgs. The first half of the book was full of eros love. It reads like a clean romance novel, and it was making me sick. I do not want to hear about the adorable little couple’s first kiss or about the feelings that course through the girl’s mind when she’s in her brawny man’s arms. I don’t have what she has and it just makes that fact so much more acute. I was actually getting angry at the author for writing about this stuff because it was making me desire what I could/should not have. I was ready to quit that book full of its selfish, shallow love, but I decided to give it another 50 pages. And I’m so glad that I did! Higgs used the eros love at the beginning so she could contrast agape love to it. At the end, the eros-driven characters learn how to love like the agape-driven character does. No, I take that back. They learn how to love as God loves the church. The ending of the book was amazing to me, and it showed how important it is to have agape love for a person before you get into a serious relationship with them.
I have been a Christian for over 10 years, but I still feel like I do not have a good grasp on agape love. I clearly see that God has that kind of love for me, and I try my best to love Him back. But as far as having agape love for other people, I feel utterly lost. What does agape love look like in real life? Buying a cup of coffee for a friend is easy for me, but that’s philia. Writing on someone’s Facebook wall just to say hi is a loving gesture, but that’s also philia. WHAT IS AGAPE?? Honestly, I have absolutely no clue.
I could say "I love you" to someone who makes my stomach flip when he smiles at me. Yes, in an ergos kind of way, that would be totally truthful. But love is so much more. True love is agape. And until I grasp that concept and am able to demonstrate in on a daily basis, I refuse to tell a man that I love him. It all boils down to this: how can I tell someone that I love them when I don’t even know what love is? I don’t know if my opinion is Biblical or if it even makes sense, but as of right now, that is my opinion on love.
I will continue to practice philia love and hope that agape love will develop along the way. But I know that there is only one person who is a perfect example of agape love and I will continue to seek Him to understand this whole confusing love concept. Ahh, life can be so complicated…
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