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Magic Mike Xxl Online Cuevana
4 years ago
Other than a family member or close friend, I have never told a man that I love him. This world tries to tell us that if you can’t tell your boyfriend that you love him, then you have a fear of commitment. This may or may not be accurate (I don’t think it is), but I definitely know that for me, that is not the case. I believe that love is more powerful than a feeling of attraction or an act of physical intimacy. Love can be expressed as an emotion, but in itself it is not one.
Many sources say that there are 3 types of love in the New Testament. Since I’m not an expert (actually, I don’t know a single thing) about Greek, I’ll take these sources at their word. The 3 types are eros, philia, and agape.
Eros is what often comes to mind when one hears the word “love”. Eros is the emotional kind of love. The butterflies in the stomach. The urge to want a guy to hold you in his arms. The starry-eyed, gazing at a gorgeous guy who sits several seats from you in class. Eros is about the attraction, the romance, the Nicholas Sparks novels. Yes, I enjoy eros; I’m human. But if eros does not have the other types of love to back it up, it’s one of the worst things in the world. It’s like putting new carpet over a floor that is full of holes. Eros can never suffice on its own.
Philia is having the love of a brother (or sister, as the case may be). When it comes to people, especially guys, philia love comes naturally to me. I automatically treat guys my age and younger like they are my brothers. Without thinking about it, I try my best to take care of these guys. I can’t help it—acts of service is my love language! I don’t act like a mother hen because I think the guys are inadequate at taking care of themselves, I’m just trying to show that I care for them (in the philia kind of way). When guys get upset at me for trying to “mother them”, I do my best to back off. But it’s hard. I like to love on others and by inhibiting my love language, it takes away my ability to show my philia for them. When a guy asks me to stop trying to take care of him, he is basically asking me to stop loving him (again, I am only talking about the philia type) and it hurts me.
Agape is the type of love that is so deep that you would die for that person. Agape is 1 Corinthians 13. Agape is patient, agape is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Agape does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Agape never fails. Although philia and eros are pretty much pre-programmed into me, I struggle with agape. How do I have a love that runs so deep that I would keep on loving, even if that person just throws it back into my face? How do I have the kind of love that compels me to love someone, even when it hurts??
I recently read the book Thorn in My Heart by Liz Curtis Higgs. The first half of the book was full of eros love. It reads like a clean romance novel, and it was making me sick. I do not want to hear about the adorable little couple’s first kiss or about the feelings that course through the girl’s mind when she’s in her brawny man’s arms. I don’t have what she has and it just makes that fact so much more acute. I was actually getting angry at the author for writing about this stuff because it was making me desire what I could/should not have. I was ready to quit that book full of its selfish, shallow love, but I decided to give it another 50 pages. And I’m so glad that I did! Higgs used the eros love at the beginning so she could contrast agape love to it. At the end, the eros-driven characters learn how to love like the agape-driven character does. No, I take that back. They learn how to love as God loves the church. The ending of the book was amazing to me, and it showed how important it is to have agape love for a person before you get into a serious relationship with them.
I have been a Christian for over 10 years, but I still feel like I do not have a good grasp on agape love. I clearly see that God has that kind of love for me, and I try my best to love Him back. But as far as having agape love for other people, I feel utterly lost. What does agape love look like in real life? Buying a cup of coffee for a friend is easy for me, but that’s philia. Writing on someone’s Facebook wall just to say hi is a loving gesture, but that’s also philia. WHAT IS AGAPE?? Honestly, I have absolutely no clue.
I could say "I love you" to someone who makes my stomach flip when he smiles at me. Yes, in an ergos kind of way, that would be totally truthful. But love is so much more. True love is agape. And until I grasp that concept and am able to demonstrate in on a daily basis, I refuse to tell a man that I love him. It all boils down to this: how can I tell someone that I love them when I don’t even know what love is? I don’t know if my opinion is Biblical or if it even makes sense, but as of right now, that is my opinion on love.
I will continue to practice philia love and hope that agape love will develop along the way. But I know that there is only one person who is a perfect example of agape love and I will continue to seek Him to understand this whole confusing love concept. Ahh, life can be so complicated…
Today was a rough day for about 500 different reasons, but my heart can't help but sing to the one who makes my joy complete. Here's one of the songs that is resonating in my head right now: Your Love Never Fails Enjoy!
How can I be so unsure
When you and I define perfection?
Why am I looking for an ending
When the "we" is just beginning?
I feel like I'm falling
But is it love or the ground
That is rushing up to meet me?
You feel like the home
That I'm tired of missing.
I feel so safe when you're near,
But turmoil rules my heart
When I think of forever.
You're not the one for the aisle,
But baby will you please
Just be mine,
Just hold me for awhile?
Yes, I'm aware that I've already posted today, but no worries, this isn't supposed to be a post that involves active reading. This will be a picture & caption post of things I would buy if I actually had money. Don't expect this post to be non-shallow, because it is completely and truly shallow, but hey, girls like shoes and jewelry and I'm no exception.
Did you know that the Converse website let's you design your own shoe? I didn't know until this morning, but as soon as I found out, of course I designed my own! Unfortunately, it won't let me post a picture of it, so I'll try my best to describe them. They're low-rise Chucks. The body is maroon and the tongue is the paisley heart pattern (sounds gross but I like it). The stiching is "flame" orange and where you can get your name written on them, I put "mine". Yeah, so they're kinda crazy but most of my shoes are boring, so I want some crazy ones!
This is a ring from Fossil that I love! The antiqued pewter look is awesome, and it also has a little bedazzlement in the center of the flower on the right. You can wear all three together, or you can wear them separately. Here's the link. (I'm a size 8 *hint hint*)
These are the Haute Rocker II boots from Naughty Monkey. Not crazy about the toe, but overall, I love!
This is the Tiery-eyed dress from Shabby Apple. All of their dresses are really chic and sleek, but I think they would all look wayyy better on someone who's tall, rather than on me. So Shabby Apple, if you're reading this (doubtful), make some dresses with short girls in mind!
I pretty much adore ALL Fossil watches, but this one is my favorite at the moment. *sigh* I want it...
These Carhartt bibs are actually something I'm going to buy because I need them since it's soooo cold outside and farmwork is kinda miserable without them, but I thought I would put them on the list anyways. :)
So this SMI Super PoleCat snow maker is the most impractical thing on my list, but hey, a girl can dream right? It must be expensive, because they don't list the price...
These Oakley polarized Encounter sunglasses are, of course, high-quality and they're also the shape, size, and color I like.
This Yamaha grand piano is something that is impractical right now, but my future house has a room specificially built for a shiny ebony grand. Gorgeous, simply gorgeous.
Lastly, I want this Hurley Windchester peacoat. My thick black fleece coat has seemed to disappear, so that leaves me with my Carhartt and my bright aqua-blue snowboarding coat. Neither are exactly fashionable, hence, the need for a new coat.
Like my title says, this blog post is not about the dating/relationship topic. Actually, I want to write about WHY boys are no longer my constant worry.
The whole point of choosing to not date right now was to reduce the time and worry that I spent thinking about guys (you know what I'm talking about, the whole "does-he-like-me-and-if-so-how-much" thing). The few days after I made that decision were pretty tumultous because of thoughts like "wait how do I interact with guys now that dating is out of the picture?" and other insignificant, albeit important to me, worries.
But now, although I do still think about guys from time to time, I feel a real peace about my decision and how it will affect my life. "Why is that?" you might be wondering. The answer might sound rather cliche, but it is so true... My peace comes from thinking about how much God loves me instead of dwelling on if a boy loves me.
These past couple of years, I have gotten really bad about doing daily devotions and journaling, but one of my goals for 2010 is to get back into it. So, on January 8 (yeah I know I was a week past the beginning of the year) I broke out my Bible, my new journal, and my copy of Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest and spent a long time meditating on how incredible my Lord is. It was a hands down great time!
Anyways, by the time Saturday morning rolled around, I was bursting with stuff to talk about with my friend Lindsey, who I consider an older-sister figure in my life. After some yummy coffee cake, two mugs of coffee, and 3 1/2 hours of conversation, I left her house with a happy heart and a book to read--- The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. I began this fascinating book on Saturday evening and read steadily until I finished it at 3:00 on Sunday morning. Needless to say, as I sat in early service at church I was quite sleepy...
Basically, the point of this post is to show you that I have had a nice, peaceful couple of days and it is because I have gotten my attention re-focused on God, rather than on the guys in my life (or lack thereof). Tomorrow I'm moving back to Blacksburg for the beginning of another semester, so it will be a struggle to maintain my focus on Him during these upcoming crazy days, but I will (hopefully) succeed in this important endeavour!
Oy vey. I still have not gotten any better at knowing how to interact with guys so they don't get the wrong idea, but I'm learning! Sunday when I was at Barnes & Noble I did manage to find a book that I absolutely devoured--- For Young Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice. This book is written based on surveys and interviews with guys 15-20 years old.
Some of the stuff I knew, but a lot of it was stuff that I had never thought of before. Something that really stood out to me is that girls are based on wanting to be loved and will allow themselves to be disrespected as long they get love, whereas, boys want to be respected even if that means they'll be alone and unloved. In general, I agree with this premise, although I think I fall somewhere in the middle. Yes, I like to be loved. But if it comes down to making tough choices, I'll do the right thing, even if it means I'll be hated for it. God has wired me in such a way that I don't care that much what others think about me. Sometimes this can make me kind of callous, but I like to believe that I also manage to be sensitive to others' feelings, but maybe that's just wishful thinking...
Anyways, while I'm in this single stage of life, I want to get better at being a good friend, both to girls and guys. I have a good mix of guy friends and girl friends, which means I need to learn how to speak both "guy language" and "girl language". While I do have my fair share of problems with speaking girl language (remember, sometimes I can be callous and insensitive), right now, my main problem is this gosh-durn-guy language. There's a reason that most of my guy friends are in relationships. If a guy already has a girlfriend, then it makes being friends, and ONLY FRIENDS, much simpler. We can talk about sports, cars, or whatever and there is no emotional drama crap involved. But on the other hand, if a guy friend is single, at some point in our friendship I have to make my intentions clear--- ONLY FRIENDS.
Right now, I'm really working on how to understand how guys interpret the things I say or do, and it's really confusing!!! Like I mentioned before, guys speak the language of respect, and that's something I'm learning to understand. I'll write more about that some other day. Until I understand how this whole stupid guy-girl dynamics work, I'll try to keep my mouth shut so I stop putting my foot into it! TTFN as Tigger would say...
It has been 3 days since I wrote that I am choosing to be single (for the time being). By making this decision, I have relieved a lot of worries about "oh does that guy like me" type of things. At the same time, however, it has opened up new worries about "well if I text so-and-so will he get the wrong impression" type of stuff.
I've been seeking out resources to answer some of my questions about how I should relate to guys and this is where my frustration began. Yesterday I was at Barnes & Noble in the "Christian Inspiration" section looking at the books. There were a ton of books for married men & women and I finally found a shelf where the books written for singles were. The first book was about how to go about finding a mate. The second was about how to attract a godly guy. The third was about how to handle dating. Every book on the single shelf was about how to become un-single!
I realize that the vast majority of Christians will get married. I believe that even though God has wired me in such a way that I can survive without a guy, He is not calling me to be single forever.
But for right now, I am single and I am not looking for crying out loud!!!
WHY do people in this world believe that you HAVE to have a boyfriend?? Well, for people who inundate themselves in secular music and movies, it's easy to understand how that belief seeps in to our minds and takes root. From a 15-yr-old boy singing "I can fix up your broken heart, I can give you a brand new start, I can make you believe,
I just wanna set one girl free to fall in love with me" to the Twilight movies that show a girl throwing away everything (friends, family, etc) for a boy, Hollywood is telling us over and over and over again that we NEED to have a special someone.
But what I don't understand is how the Christian community still believes that I NEED someone!! Ok, so many Christian books tell teenage girls that they don't NEED a boyfriend, that they are special and wonderful, and that God loves them, so it's all good. But practically, there is NOTHING behind these words to back it up. You can pick up that same book for teenage girls and read the chapter on how girls don't NEED a boyfriend, then flip to the next chapter and read about how to be attractive to Christian guys and find a guy to date. It's nothing but contradictions and I hate it!
I KNOW that I don't need a boyfriend. Now where are the books and the blogs and the advice to help me in my quest to be single and happy??? *sigh*
I will continue looking for advice and resources and keep you posted...
It is said that women are fickle creatures and, being of the female persuasion, I totally agree. My emotions can change quite quickly and dramatically, but what really scares me is how I so rapidly change my mind about guys.
One second I’m in love with some hot British actor and googling him left and right. The next second, I see a picture of another actor and start to google him instead.
One day, I meet a guy who I know is trouble, yet I want him to notice me and ask me out anyways. The next day, I think the guy is a shallow creep (which he was all along, but I just didn’t pay it any mind at first).
One week, I’ll be head over heels in love with a guy and want to marry him. The next week, I just want to be friends.
Arghhhhhh! It’s frustrating. It’s silly. It’s shallow, superficial, and ignorant.
It is exactly what this world encourages.
The raunchy magazines I see on the racks in the check-out line, the celeb stories I see splashed across the headlines, and the “dating advice” I hear on talk shows all tell me that I should “love ‘em and leave ‘em”. Get what I can out of a guy then quickly move on before I can get hurt.
The problem with that philosophy is that it is not painless. It hurts. A lot.
I have barely ventured into the world of dating (because I see how crappy it turns out for most people) and I have already been hurt.
Since my last post, I have seriously been seeking out how I should go about the whole dating thing. I have sought advice from friends, from books, and from God, and I have made up my mind.
DATING IS NOT FOR ME.
Now, this doesn’t mean I would refuse to go grab coffee or lunch with a guy. It just means that I absolutely refuse to get caught up in that cycle that so many girls my age think is essential to their happiness. I refuse to give away my heart, just so I can say that I have a man who loves me. I refuse to use some poor unsuspecting guy to make me feel loved. I refuse to be part of a relationship if I can’t fully commit to it.
My lack of commitment is a big driving force behind the reason that I do not want to date. According to “my” plan, I am not getting married for 10 years. One of the main reasons for that is because I don’t want to be tied down or held back. I want to live my life full of adventure before I get trapped into something I can’t get out of till the dude kicks the bucket. (Just for the record, I don’t think marriage is awful. I think it is a beautiful thing that I someday want to commit to, heart and soul. But I’m not ready for someday to get here today!)
When talking to a very wise godly friend of mine, she mentioned that when she was my age, she was in a relationship with a guy that ended up lasting 3 years. When I heard 3 YEARS, I had a mini-panic attack. Ohmygoshicannotgetstuckwithsomeguyforthreefrickinyearsthatspracticallyforever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After I got over my little freak-out moment, I saw how eye-opening my emotional response can be at times. (See, I guess there’s a reason God made women so emotional after all!) I saw that I am in no way, shape, or form, ready to seriously commit to a relationship.
But at the same time, I refuse to lead a guy on if I’m not going to commit.
So the best solution that I see at this point is to “just be friends”. (As if that would stop my heart from racing when I see some pair of gorgeous blue eyes or a tan six-pack…) My heart is still just as fickle as always, but I’m determined to keep my emotions inside, or sometimes spew them to my blog, instead of lovin and leavin some guy depending on my emotional state of the day.
I am still in pursuit of the best way for a young God-seeking woman to react to the opposite sex. I’m currently re-reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Passion & Purity to see what gems I might have missed when I read these books a few years back. Consider this a warning that a lot of my future posts might be discussing the whole dating thing in further detail…
Until then, I will leave you with a reminder to guard your hearts and to always, first and foremost, love the Lord your God more than you love anything or anyone. (Don’t go thinking I have this down no problemo, I’m reminding myself too!!)
Writing is how I process what is going on in my head. Like my friend Lindsey said here, just because I write something down, that does not in anyway mean that my opinion on the subject is set in stone. When I begin a blog, I never really know where it will go. With that being said, I have no clue where I'm going with this post, but that is exactly why I'm writing it. I'm trying to figure this out, and hopefully writing it down will help!
There are some girls in this world who think they need a boyfriend. I am not one of those girls. I know that I am fully capable of surviving, and even thriving, while I am single. Yes, there are days where I have that wistful feeling that tries to push me into settling for just any guy. But I refuse to settle. I'm not going to date a jerk, just so I can enjoy the benefits of having someone to make me feel special. I'm not that shallow.
Up to this point, deciding whether to date or to be single has been fairly simple. All of the guys I know are either jerks or just not what I'm looking for. But the Lord always likes to shake up "my" plans.
The other week, I met a guy. He is not a jerk. And he is exactly what I'm looking for. Problem: I wasn't expecting to meet a guy like him anytime soon, so I have no idea what to do now!!!
From the little I know of him, I like him and he seems to like me. Thankfully, I won't see him until I go back to Blacksburg in a few weeks, so these few weeks give me some time to figure stuff out. If he asks me out (that's a big IF), what should I say??
I've been reading Christian blogs and various verses all morning, and this is the general consensus. Seek the Lord, wait patiently, and one day He will bring THE ONE into your life.
Great, thanks. I AM seeking the Lord. I know that as long as I have Him, I can be single for the rest of my life and still be perfectly content. Since I'm content with my future, no matter what happens, I am in no rush to find a guy, thus, I AM waiting patiently. (This sounds really vain saying, "oh I'm content, I'm patient, blah blah", but I'm trying to be honest...)
So how do I know when the waiting stops? How do I know if I'm supposed to date a guy or if I'm supposed to just keep on waiting? *sigh* I know that it will work out in the end, it always does. But I'm a practical person, and that practicality is screaming "WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?"
Lord, please help me to be a Mary, not a Martha. Please help me to accept the total peace you offer to me. And when the time comes for action (or non-action), please show me what to do.
This afternoon I had my last final exam of the fall semester. I quickly finished packing my car and hit the road. In a little over an hour, I was home.
I got home at 8pm to find that no one was home except for my mom, who had already gone to bed because she wasn't feeling well. By 8:20, I had said hi to my pets, noticed that the Christmas tree was crooked and missing my favorite ornaments, checked Facebook, and read all of that day's MLIAs. Twenty minutes after getting home, I was already bored. Great... I'm going to be here for a few weeks and I'm already bored!
By 8:45, I had made and consumed a plate of nachos. I had washed all the dirty dishes in the sink. I had played some Chris Rice on the piano. Still booooored.
Finally, my dad and sisters got home. My youngest sister, Jessica, turned on the tv. Watching tv to entertain me hadn't even crossed my mind since I so rarely watch it anymore. She, Monica, and I then had some sister bonding time by using Facebook pictures and posts to tell stories about what's been happening recently (I was pretty much the only one who told about my life, but whatever).
It's weird being out of the loop from being gone. Monica informed me that she had had her "new" jacket for a few months. Well it was new to me!!!
Since tomorrow is a school/work day for my family, I was soon alone again as everyone else scattered to their respective parts of the house. I laid on the couch watching the weather. Yes, the weather on tv! Normally I just do the normal 21st Century thing and google the forecast, so I felt very old school.
After awhile, my older brother Loren got home from work. After catching me up on (aka complaining about) how his classes were going, he quickly remembered his newest gadget. Turns out this one was pretty cool... one of those massager things whoo! I quickly volunteered to be his guinea pig, and like any awesome brother, he gave me a 10 minute back massage. Ahhh simply amazing!
After complaining about the "dumb" books he has to read for his English class, my brother pulled out the book that he's "reading for fun". It was "Of Arms and Men: A History of War, Weapons, and Aggression". Only my brother would consider that fun reading haha. After then discussing cars and legos (and then his favorite websites that talk about cars and legos), he decided to google sheep shearing since I'm an animal science major. Yeah. We youtubed the guy who's the world's fastest sheep shearer. Beat that for fun! (*sarcasm*)
Ok. So the fact that I just wrote down everything I did this evening proves how bored I am!! Realizing that I have no homework due, no tests to study for, no need to set an alarm clock, and nothing in particular to do for the next few weeks is weird. Over the past few months, Virginia Tech has become my home, and my friends there have become my family. Now, I'm at my real home with my real family. It's odd. It's like having two different lives. But it's not the having of two different lives that's difficult. It's the occasional moments, like right now, where those two lives cross paths.
It makes me wonder if coming back home will always be this way from now on. Will it always be a place that can be like a warm, comfortable blanket, but at the same time worn-out and scratchy? Will it always be the place that I always want to be when I'm far away, yet when I'm here, I wish I was somewhere more exciting? Was this past summer the last time in my life that this green bedroom and arched windows will truly be my home? Has this house changed from being the place I refer to as "my home" to the place I describe to people as "my childhood home"??
Ah sometimes growing up is tough. They (whoever "they" are) say home is where the heart is. Although sometimes my heart is sitting on top of this quilt that so perfectly matches these green walls, oftentimes my heart wants to be with the people I love. Other times, my heart just wants to be in the middle of an open field, gazing at the gorgeous Blue Ridge Mountains that surround my quaint little country town.
Over the next few days, I will adjust to the fact that I am now living this life, not my Virginia Tech life. In a few days, I will have become just as attached to this place as I used to be. When it comes time to pack and go back to school, I will get really quiet and just want to go sit in my green room and never leave.
But I will leave. I will go back to school. I will see my friends and be glad I'm back. I will adjust to my new classes. Then, once I am in the middle of the busy bustle of that life, I will realize I miss moments like I am experencing right now here in this life. I will miss my horse. I will miss my family. I will miss my open field. I will miss being able to tilt my head back at night and see thousands upon thousands of miniscule diamonds spread upon a silky blue-black backdrop. At that moment, the beautiful lines that OneRepublic sings will begin to scroll through my head. "Come home, come home, cause I've been waiting for you..."
No matter where I go, no matter what I do, this brick house will always be home. Sure, someday I'm sure I'll live in a house longer than the 10 years that I have lived in this one, and I'm sure that I will fall in love with a house the way that I have loved this one, but this one will always hold a special place in my heart. That piece of my heart will always call this place home.
Whoo I am now officially a member of the Block and Bridle club at Virginia Tech!!! (Block and Bridle is the main animal science club here.) Yeah, sure being a member is cool, but I'm mostly just excited the pledging process is over!!! It was pretty intense (but fun!) at times.
I now have my "B" sitting on my bedpost and not it my backpack where I always had it on hand. I'm sooo glad that I can now stop obsessing about those 2 stinkin pieces of wood and the empty lines waiting for signatures!
Now I can start focusing on the impending finals blah...
Everyone at Virginia Tech gets parking tickets. EVERYONE. I knew this coming here, so I was very conscientious about reading signs before I parked anywhere on campus. I was not going to be one of the "everyone" who gets a ticket. And yet, despite my best efforts, I got a ticket earlier on this semester. I mentioned it here: here.
After I paid my parking ticket, I turned in a written appeal, where I very clearly stated my case and how I did not deserve to get a ticket. A couple of weeks later, I got a letter in response. "We have taken your appeal into consideration and are sorry to inform you that it has been denied. If you would like to schedule a hearing to further appeal your case, please call this number..."
Well. Guess who appealed it further? Yes, that would me moi. It wasn't even about the money. I just wanted justice for crying out loud!!!
So the week before Thanksgiving break, I put on a professional suit, pulled my hair back into a severe bun, and grabbed my little black messenger bag wanna-be-briefcase and headed for a showdown.
Turns out, the people (who were sitting around a big imposing boardroom table eek!) were really nice and polite. I calmly and clearly stated my case (using an opening, 3 main points, and a conclusion like any good persuasive speaker would) in a couple of minutes. The parking service lady then informed me that there were indeed signs, I just didn't understand them correctly (being new to campus and all). Bummer, there went my case. They then complimented me on my politeness and preparedness, then escorted me out, saying that they would mail me their decision in a week.
Yesterday I checked my mailbox to find a letter from parking services. Not expecting much, I opened the letter to a pleasant surprise. They dismissed my parking ticket and are going to give me a full refund!!! YAY I WON!!!! It was my finest moment. (Not really, that just sounded fitting.) So yeah, maybe if I don't get into vet school, I should be a lawyer! :)
Just realized that pretty much every one of my posts is about the same stuff. I will try to remedy this in the not-to-distant future my writing about something unrelated to school/career!!!
This semester has undoubtedly been a test of my confidence in my career choice. My classes have been really challenging and they have made me question whether this extensive education is really worth it. In the past, I have always easily known that it was worth it, because it's truly what I want to do. But this past month, I've felt like giving up. Eh do I really want to be a veterinarian after all??
This morning reminded me of WHY all this schooling is worth it. What I have learned in a classroom has never ever been my inspiration for being a veterinarian. The thing that makes me love veterinary medicine is the actual hands-on practicing of vet medicine.
I got up bright and early this morning (like I have every day this week... aren't I supposed to sleep in over break???) and went to take part in something I love-- a herd check at a dairy farm. Does getting up early to go watch someone stick their arm up a cow's butt sound like fun to anyone else besides me?? As if being a part of a herd check wasn't enough, I got to observe two minor surgeries whoo!! I am not sure why, but I get a huge rush from observing the insides of animals (especially if they're still alive). I love seeing the internal stuff that makes the animal function as it should. Blood doesn't faze me, nor does the smell of the gas hissing out of a cow's abomasum.
Today was a good reminder WHY I want to be a veterinarian. It's just a little thing, but it has shown me that the science related to an animal's well-being is what makes me happy. It excites me. It makes me want to jump out of bed every morning to go to work.
Sure, some days it will feel old and boring, but I've been pursuing veterinary medicine for years and I haven't gotten tired of it yet. I don't think it's time to give up on this dream of mine. Either I'm going to get into vet school, or I'm not. Until I get that letter that tells me if I made it or not, I'm going to keep trying. Some days I will get tired, frustrated, and sick of school, but that won't stop me. I will continue to "press on, press on, press on, press on, press on, press on, press on[...]" to quote a very wise man. :)
A dry, brown leaf falls off of a tree branch and lands in a gently moving river. The leaf moves with the movement of the water-- sometimes going along gently, and other times, being swiftly pulled along. The leaf has no control over where it’s going. Occasionally, the little leaf gets sucked into an eddy. The leaf spins faster and faster, almost violently, out of control. It goes around and around, but ultimately, it goes nowhere.
I feel like this leaf. Lost. Spinning out of control in dizzying circles. Running as fast as I can, but getting nowhere.
Miss Smartypants Crystal, normally so sure of herself, is completely unsure.
I hate this. I feel helpless. I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat these last few days (which may or may not be my endocrine system’s fault…). What is the point of my life right now? That’s a good question… one which I wish I knew the answer to.
Pretty much all my future plans and dreams ride on me getting into vet school. I’ve always been practical and known that I might not get accepted. I’ve always considered what I will do if I don’t get in. But now that it’s only a year away from when my application is due, I’m doubting myself. I have a B (possibly C) in O Chem. How can I get into vet school with B’s?? Yeah some people get in with B’s. But I won’t. I know I won’t get into vet school.
Practically, I still have a good chance at getting in. So WHY am I doubting myself? Where is my confidence, my fighting spirit??
I don’t know what it is about fall semesters, but they just make me want to give up. Spring semesters, I always get straight A’s. Fall semesters, on the other hand, are huge challenges for me. Not just academically, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I have no idea why, but it is a pattern I’ve noticed these last couple of years. (Maybe someone should do research on my pineal gland when I die and see if humans like increasing daylight better than decreasing daylight??? Hmm.)
Anyways. In these moments of weakness and challenges, that is when I turn to the one who is always there. Maybe one of the reasons that fall is so rough for me is because I tend to ignore God over summer break. I grow distant from Him, and about halfway through the fall semester I’m like “Crap! How am I in this place again??” So right now I’m trying to soak in as much God time as I can. There’s so many church services offered here, I’m seriously considering going to more than one. One church on Sunday morning, than another one in the evening. Oh and I have Cru small group on Tuesday and Cru on Thursday. Good good good, I must be a saint right?
Yeah right.
Listening to someone else talk about God is not enough. Singing songs full of love and adoration is not enough. I need that daily “me ‘n God” time. If I’m honest, I haven’t had a regular quiet time in a very long time. I need to be disciplined in this. Just now I went to amazon and searched for devotional guides. I need something. Something that will help me on a daily basis think about how incredibly amazing my loving Savior is. I need to focus on HIM and all the petty things that are freaking me out will fade away.
Yes, I am confused by why He’s letting me spin in these circles, but I aim to draw near to Him, because I know that He will anchor me, even when I’m caught in the center of a terrifying eddy.
He is my rock and my salvation, and I shall never be moved. Amen.
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