A Timeless Reality

I know that college is supposed to be a time where you figure out your life and that you are more free than you ever will be in your life and blah blah blah. This is the time for you to make the big decisions in your life. This is the point where you will stand at many crossroads and decide whether or not to take the "road less traveled" (Frost). Some days it's totally and completely awesome that what I do right now is so important, but most of the time, it sucks. A lot.

First off, I'm broke. Broker (I know that's not proper grammar) than I have ever been before. I have $4 in my checking account and $2 in my wallet. Ouch. Thank God my housing and schooling bills are taken care of for the rest of the semester (if I understand that University Bursar office correctly at least).

I do have a $30 parking ticket to pay sometime within the next 10 days though. And it was NOT MY FAULT!!!! I was parked in the same parking lot I always park in, but apparently the campus parking people who like to play God (ok so I'm a little bitter) changed the rules, and they didn't bother to inform anyone (even the ladies at the parking service office heard about it for the first time today). So the nice ladies at parking services gave me a form to fill out to appeal the ticket. That made me smile. But then the lady added, you have to pay the ticket before you can appeal it. Smile quickly turned to a look that read "ohcrapidon'thavethirtydollars!!!!!". So yeah, a quick text to my older bro, and he put a check in the mail for me. Yay for interest-free loans!

Second big problem, grades. Ugh. You know how frustrating it is to study study study study study your life away, then end up getting a big fat C?!? It's awful! And it's not like it's only happened once this semester. So far, it's been the rule, not the exception.

So the grade problem leads me to another problem: career choice. I KNOW what I want to do. I want to be a large-animal veterinarian for crying out loud! But... what if I don't get into vet school? What do I want to do then?? And the answer is, I don't know. And that scares me. A lot.

Lastly, the big thing I have to figure out right now is where I'm going to live next year. Next year as in, fall semester 2010. As in, 11 months from now. Ugh! How in the world am I supposed to figure that out NOW?? So much can change in 11 months. Greedy landlords are just trying to force me into a lease. *glare*

The point that I'm starting to realize from this is that even when I have nothing, I have everything. Everything that matters at least. And no, it's not money, a nice apartment, or a secure career. It's a peace, a joy, a love, that surpasses my understanding. Even when I have so many worries weighing me down, I really have nothing to worry about. So yeah, life sucks, but God is good. :)

Pretty much anyone who knows me knows that I am a planner. I know what year I will graduate vet school, I know how many years I am going to spend in the army, I know the floor plan of my house, I know when I want to get a dog, and I know when I want to get married (11 years from now, in case anyone cares).

I am not one of those college kids who has no idea what they want to do with their life. I know exactly what I want to do with my life. And there's the problem. I know what I want to do with my life.

I do not know what God wants for my life. Sure, I have my plans, but so what? I will throw away all of my plans in a second if I feel God wants me to do something else. Honestly, I will feel such a relief to have a clear calling from God, I won't even feel bad about throwing away my plan. For years I've prayed "God, I do not know what You want with my life. And since I haven't heard you say any different, I will continue with my plan for now. But the second that you want it to change, let me know and I'll go your way!" It's like, all the things that I've been dreaming of for years, are just the basic boring plan. I don't want that. I want more.

Right now I'm thinking that maybe I should get involved with overseas veterinary missions. I would LOVE to go to South America and teach the people how to make a proper living from livestock. I would LOVE to ramble back and forth with the people in Spanish, or whatever dialect is their native tongue. I would LOVE to hug those smiling children with their dirty hair and their warm, chocolate eyes. Oh wait... there I go planning again. See, I would love to do that, but is that what I'm supposed to do???

I feel lost right now. I don't which way's up or down. I don't even know how to give advice to people anymore without it coming off as unloving. I don't feel like I'm doing anything useful with my life right now. There are soooo many things I could be doing for the Lord, even if I don't have a college degree. Heck, there's a girl in Africa who's 20 years old and is the mother to 14 orphan girls! I could do that, no degree required! (Read this amazing girl's story here).

So, yes, of course I've formed a plan to help me figure out what God's plan is for my life. This is what it looks like right now:
1) Contact the vet missions club at the vet school
2) Contact some of the vet missionaries down in South America and see if I could come for a month or so.
3) Talk to my youth pastor back home and ask him to keep his ears open for opportunities for me.
4) Most importantly, pray.

I know that what God wants to happen, is going to happen. There are a few verses that have been resonating in my heart and mind these past couple of days.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

So for now, I will work hard where I am. If He wants me to be a missionary vet I have to get into vet school first... So I'm off to go master this darn Organic Chemistry!!!